When Both Partners Grieve Differently: Therapy After Pregnancy Loss

I remember sitting with a couple in my office, both lost in silence. She looked down, tears pooling in her hands. He stared out the window, jaw tight, eyes dry. The air between them felt heavy with everything that hadn’t been said. She wanted to talk about the baby. He wanted to hold it together. Both were grieving, but in completely different ways.

As a birth trauma coach, I’ve witnessed how pregnancy loss can pull two people together while also quietly pushing them apart. The grief that follows miscarriage or stillbirth doesn’t follow a straight line, and it rarely looks the same for both partners. That difference can feel confusing, lonely, and sometimes even threatening to the relationship.

If you’ve found yourself wondering why you and your partner are coping so differently or why you feel so distant even as you both hurt, this piece is for you. Let’s talk about how couples experience grief after loss and how therapy after pregnancy loss can help you find your way back to each other.

How Grief Looks Different for Each Partner

Grief after pregnancy loss is not one-size-fits-all. It’s shaped by personality, coping style, gender expectations, and personal history.

One partner might cry often and need to talk about what happened. The other might keep busy, focusing on practical tasks or returning to work. Neither way is wrong; they’re simply different languages of grief.

For many women, the loss is deeply physical. Their bodies carried the pregnancy, felt every change, and endured the final moment of loss. It can feel like their body has betrayed them or that their grief is dismissed once the physical recovery ends.

For partners who didn’t carry the pregnancy, the grief may feel quieter but no less real. They may feel helpless watching someone they love suffer. Sometimes they think their role is to “stay strong,” so they hide their pain to protect the other person. But that silence can create emotional distance instead of comfort.

Grieving differently doesn’t mean one of you cares more. It just means you’re coping in your own way.

Why Grieving Differently Feels So Lonely

When both partners grieve differently, it can feel like you’ve lost not only your baby but also your connection to each other. Misunderstandings appear easily.

One partner might say, “You never talk about it,” while the other thinks, “Talking makes it worse.” One might want to remember the due date, while the other wants to avoid the reminders altogether.

These mismatched needs can create tension. Sometimes resentment builds quietly: one partner feels abandoned, and the other feels pressured to grieve “the right way.” Both are trying to survive the same loss but end up feeling alone in it.

This is where therapy after pregnancy loss can help. It offers a place where both partners can speak their truths without judgment. In therapy, you don’t have to match each other’s feelings; you only need to learn how to hold space for them.

An article supports how differently partners may process grief after miscarriage. In “What Happens to Couples After Miscarriage: Incongruent Grief,” published on Psychology Today, Dr. Venetia Leonidaki explains that couples often experience what’s known as incongruent grief when partners grieve in ways that feel incompatible. A 2020 study cited in her article found that women typically experience more intense emotional distress and express grief more openly, while men often suppress emotions or focus on practical tasks. These differences, shaped by gender expectations and coping styles, can create emotional distance and strain intimacy. Therapy after pregnancy loss helps bridge these divides by teaching couples to understand each other’s grief languages, communicate without blame, and rebuild closeness through compassion and shared rituals.

What Therapy After Pregnancy Loss Offers Couples

Therapy isn’t about fixing the grief; it’s about understanding it. In therapy after pregnancy loss, couples learn to recognize and respect each other’s coping styles while finding ways to reconnect through the pain.

Some things therapy might help with include:

• Communication tools to talk about grief without blaming or shutting down.

• Validation for both partners’ feelings, even when they seem opposite.

• Ways to honor the baby’s memory together, whether through ritual, art, or conversation.

• Support for intimacy, which can be difficult after loss when emotions feel raw.

• Permission to grieve differently, knowing that difference doesn’t mean distance.

I often tell couples, “You’re on the same team; you just process the loss on different timelines.”

The Silent Guilt That Divides Partners

After pregnancy loss, guilt often takes root in unexpected ways. One partner might blame their body. The other might blame themselves for not being able to protect or comfort. Sometimes, both blame themselves for feeling relief, exhaustion, or even anger.

Guilt can make people pull away from each other, afraid that speaking their truth will hurt more. I’ve heard partners say, “I don’t want to upset them,” so they stay quiet. But silence doesn’t protect; it isolates.

How Loss Impacts Intimacy

Physical closeness after pregnancy loss can be complicated. Some partners crave connection; others recoil from touch. The body becomes a reminder of what happened, and intimacy may feel painful or confusing.

This is another reason therapy after pregnancy loss can be so important; it gives couples a chance to talk openly about what’s happening without shame. Rebuilding intimacy isn’t about rushing back into physical contact. It’s about finding safety again in your body, in each other, and in the space between you.

Sometimes that starts with simple gestures: holding hands, sitting close, or sharing quiet moments. Healing touch can return when both partners feel emotionally ready.

The Unspoken Triggers of Grief

Loss lingers in small, unexpected ways. A baby shower invitation. A hospital bill. A random lullaby is playing in the grocery store. Each moment can reopen the wound.

These triggers can affect partners differently. One might cry; the other might go numb. If these reactions aren’t understood, they can spark frustration. You may think, “Why are you fine? ” or “Why can’t you just move on? ”

The truth is, grief lives in the body, surfacing without warning. Recognizing that both of you will have different triggers helps prevent resentment. You’re not grieving wrong, you’re grieving humanly.

Relearning How to Talk to Each Other

After loss, conversations often shrink to logistics: work, bills, appointments. It can feel easier than talking about the grief sitting between you.

Therapy can teach couples how to gently reenter emotional conversation. That might sound like:

• “I miss them today.”

• “I’m scared to bring it up, but I want to.”

• “I need you to listen, even if you don’t know what to say.”

Simple statements like these can rebuild emotional intimacy. You don’t have to solve the grief; just witness it together.

The Importance of Naming the Loss

Sometimes healing begins by naming what happened out loud. Whether you had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or termination for medical reasons, your experience deserves to be recognized.

I often encourage couples to name their baby if it feels right, create a small ritual, or write a letter together. Naming gives shape to the grief, allowing love and loss to coexist.

You may find that saying your baby’s name brings connection back into the space between you. Love spoken aloud is love remembered.

Rediscovering Connection Through Shared Healing

Healing doesn’t mean you’ll grieve the same way; it means learning how to walk together, even on different paths. You can hold space for your partner’s silence while also honoring your own need to speak.

Some couples find healing through shared acts like planting a tree, lighting a candle on anniversaries, or volunteering in memory of their baby. These gestures don’t erase the pain, but they weave love into something lasting.

Through patience and shared intention, connection begins to return, not because grief is gone, but because you’ve made room for it together.

A Gentle Path Forward

If you and your partner feel like you’re living parallel lives since the loss, please remember this: you are both doing your best with something unimaginably hard. Grief doesn’t look the same on everyone.

Healing takes time, tenderness, and, often, help from others. Therapy after pregnancy loss can offer that safe, neutral space where both partners are heard. Over time, words replace silence, compassion replaces blame, and love begins to take shape again in new, softer ways.

A gentle reminder:
You don’t have to heal the same way to heal together. Start with honesty, kindness, and the smallest act of reaching toward each other. Even in grief, love still lives.

FAQs

What are the psychological effects of pregnancy loss?
Pregnancy loss can lead to grief, anxiety, depression, guilt, or emotional numbness. It may also trigger trauma responses such as intrusive memories or withdrawal from loved ones.

What is complicated grief after a miscarriage?
Complicated grief happens when intense sorrow and longing persist for months or years, interfering with daily life. It can make moving forward feel impossible without support.

How to deal with miscarriage grief?
Allow yourself to grieve in your own way. Talk about your loss, write your feelings, seek counseling, or join a support group. Healing begins with acknowledging your pain.

Why do most couples separate after losing a pregnancy?
Many couples struggle because they grieve differently. Miscommunication, silence, and unresolved pain can create distance. Open dialogue and therapy help partners reconnect.

How long does grief after a miscarriage last?
There’s no set timeline. Some people begin to feel more stable after several months, while others need years. Healing is gradual and deeply personal.